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“Can you help me with this project?” Sure!
“Can you start on it first thing tomorrow?” Uhmm, okay, I can!
“Mind if I come and watch while you work on it?” Hrmm, I guess that would be okay…
“Oh, and can you give me a great deal too?” Okay!
We’ve all been there—struggling to say no and instead hopping on the yes train, only to kick ourselves later, wishing we had just said “no.” Whether it’s friends, family, or clients, why is it so hard to say no, even when we really want to?
The Social Trap of Saying Yes
I recently came across a study by psychologist Vanessa Patrick that explores this very issue. It turns out that our fear of how others perceive us often pushes us onto the yes train. We worry that saying no will harm our relationships or make us seem selfish or uncaring. As social creatures, we’re hardwired to maintain harmony, and saying no feels like we’re disrupting that balance. This is especially true with acquaintances—people we don’t know well enough to feel secure in the relationship, like clients. It’s much easier to say no to a stranger or a close friend who understands us, but with acquaintances, we fear rejection or judgment.
Fear of Damaging Our Image
We’ve all been in situations where we didn’t want to help someone with a task but still said yes—only to find out they didn’t really need our help or didn’t appreciate the effort it took. We want to be seen as capable, dependable, and hard-working, so saying yes feels like the right way to maintain that reputation and strengthen relationships. But too often, the opposite happens. Saying yes when we don’t truly want to can lead to poor outcomes, especially when it creates resentment or results in subpar work. Taking on tasks we don’t want can cause frustration and stress, and over time, resentment toward the person who asked. Ironically, the very relationship we were trying to protect by saying yes ends up strained.
There is A Better Way to Say No
So, how can we get better at saying no without feeling guilty or damaging relationships? The key is to align our decision-making with personal values and boundaries, and communicate in a way that makes it clear our decision is firm and non-negotiable. It’s about saying no in a way that reflects who we are. For example, instead of saying “I can’t,” which invites negotiation, say “I don’t.” Phrases like “I don’t take on extra projects during busy periods” feel stronger and more personal than “I can’t right now.” This shows that your refusal comes from your values and boundaries, not just external circumstances. Another tip: avoid over-explaining. Offering lengthy excuses only invites persuasion. Be brief and firm in your response. You’ll be surprised to find that valuable relationships built on mutual respect and understanding will flourish through this practice.
Learning to Say No Makes Life Better
Learning to say no is not just about avoiding extra work; it’s about taking control of your life. By being selective with your yeses, you free up time and energy for the things that truly matter. Whether it’s focusing on your business, spending time with loved ones, or simply having time for yourself, the power to say no is key to creating the life you want.
So next time you’re tempted to say yes when you really want to say no, pause and think about whether it aligns with your priorities. Saying no may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but in the long run, it’s a powerful way to protect your time, your relationships, and your well-being.
With everything already on your plate, what request are you struggling to say no to right now—and how will it affect you if you don’t?
– Burak Sarac, Team Lead
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